Dear Vee,
I’m currently dealing with a dilemma and could really use some advice. I hope you all can help me figure out what to do.
So, the day my father passed away happened to be the same day I got added to a group for a friend’s wedding. Now, I wouldn’t say we’re super close or anything. We just exchange greetings sometimes and chat every now and then. We don’t really hang out or know each other’s homes, so I wouldn’t call us close friends.
Here’s my main concern: the wedding is happening this month, but my father’s burial is scheduled for next month. In my culture, it’s customary to refrain from attending events or joining in celebrations until after your father is buried. Plus, attending these events often means buying ‘aso ebi’ (traditional attire for guests), which costs 90,000 naira. On top of that, I’d have to spend over 200,000 naira to travel to the wedding.
So, here are the options I’m considering: Should I tell her about my father’s passing and explain that I can’t attend? Or should I just stay quiet, not show up, and not offer any explanation? Another option is to go to the wedding but not buy the aso ebi. Financially, I can’t afford to buy it or even contribute any money because all my resources are currently going towards the burial arrangements for my father.
This situation is really stressing me out and keeping me up at night. I’m not sure if she saw my status update about my father’s passing, since I posted it there. But since she hasn’t mentioned it, I’m assuming she might not be aware of what’s going on with me. What do you think I should do in this situation?
It’s really tough dealing with these two contrasting events—mourning and a social invitation. On one hand, there’s this societal expectation about mourning periods and attending events, which I totally respect. On the other hand, there’s the social courtesy of responding to an invitation and maintaining relationships, even if they’re not super close.
Trying to navigate these cultural norms alongside my personal circumstances is a real challenge. The weight of family duty and respect for traditions plays a big role in how I’m making this decision. It’s not just about going to a party; it’s about honoring my father’s memory and sticking to our cultural practices during this sensitive time.
In my culture, the period between a loved one’s passing and their burial is a solemn and respectful time. It’s a time for mourning, reflecting, and supporting family members. Attending a wedding during this period could be seen as disrespectful or inappropriate, especially if it involves celebrations and socializing that go against the somber mood we’re in.
And let’s not forget about the financial aspect. The costs of attending—travel expenses and the price of the aso ebi—are a big concern. Right now, all my financial resources are going towards the funeral arrangements, which take priority over anything else.
Then there’s the emotional side of things to consider. Grieving the loss of a parent is a deeply personal experience. It takes time to process emotions, seek comfort from loved ones, and find ways to cope with the loss. Going to social gatherings, especially celebratory ones like weddings, might feel out of sync with the grief I’m currently going through.
Explaining all of these complexities to someone who might not fully understand the cultural and personal significance of these traditions adds another layer of difficulty. While I value my relationship with my friend, but i really don’t want to go for this wedding. What do you advice i do ?
Victoria Ibiama
