Ending an unsafe relationship does not always end abuse. In my experience, it has only escalated the efforts to control and destroy me
I left an abusive relationship almost a decade ago, but my abuser has kept a noose around my neck every day since.
At the time we had four young children, including a 12-month-old baby.
I asked my then husband to leave the family home as it was no longer safe for me or the children for him to be there. It hadn’t been a safe space for years. Eight years on, I still don’t feel safe.
He agreed to leave and turned up with a removal truck to pick up his stuff.
The relief was temporary.
A week later he emailed to say he would no longer pay our shared mortgage or financially provide for the children. I was unemployed and caring for our children full-time.
I linked in with domestic violence support services, but no one could prepare me for the ongoing hell he would subject me to.
He weaponised custody of the children and began a campaign to financially destroy me. He took half my superannuation and the family home had to be sold. We were pushed into an insecure rental market as the housing crisis worsened.
He tightened the noose.
Over the next few years, he was relentless in his attempts to become the primary carer so he could receive family tax benefits and child support payments.
As a self-employed worker he claimed his income was very low.
I returned to work, so he applied for child support. With my income vastly above what he declared, he received a significant amount of child support from me.
He was intent on proving I was an unfit mother but still expected me to drop everything, jeopardise my employment, and pick up sick children from school. I was in constant fear of getting abusive phone calls or texts at work.
In 2022, I contacted relevant federal ministers to describe the ongoing financial abuse. I successfully argued to the child support agency that as a self-employed worker, his real income was not being declared and the children and I were suffering.
For a short time, I felt free from him. But he successfully appealed against the decision. By this time, I was back working again, and the child support agency backdated the amount I owed him over a six-month period.
Now I was saddled with a debt to my abusive ex-husband. Amid the stress I lost my job and we were kicked out of our rental when the owners moved back in.
Without regular employment, I was unsuccessful in applying for rental properties. For three months we stayed in Airbnbs, caravan parks – whatever I could afford – or we couch-surfed with friends and family.
Eventually, we were put in a transitional unit, through a government-funded housing provider. I was given a list of food pantry charities and a $50 Kmart voucher to buy airbeds.
Although we were grateful to have a roof over our heads, it was anything but stable. A small two-bedroom unit was a struggle for five of us. We were promised an affordable four-bedroom house. It never eventuated.
The abusive texts and emails continued. For months he told the children I could not afford to feed them. He told them it was easier and safer for them to stay with him.
I notified authorities of my ex-husband’s escalation. Safety plans were put in place to flee if he was to turn up. I was advised to apply for the $5,000 domestic violence payment but was told I would probably not qualify.
Out of the blue a few months ago, he suddenly and forcibly withheld the children on what was supposed to be our usual weekly handover. He cited housing and employment instability as his reasons.
At a recent sports game (the only opportunity I have to see my children), my youngest son said: “Mum, what if this goes on for ever and Dad never lets us come home to you?”
Despite contravening family court orders, he has contacted Services Australia to say he now has 100% custody of the children. He also contacted the schools to say the children were no longer in my care.
I am trying everything to get my children back but relying on legal aid and waiting for mediation is painfully slow. If that fails, an application to the family court could take years to be heard.
As a woman living with ongoing domestic violence the federal government’s new policy to support women falls dangerously short.
Leaving an abusive partner does not mean an end to the abuse. In my experience, it has only escalated the efforts to control and destroy me.
We urgently need ongoing support for women beyond a $5,000 payment.
We need affordable safe housing.
We need more support for women in the family court system to ensure the services are not abused by men.
The noose around my neck is now strangling me and there is no one to catch me.
