Dear Vee,
For the past eight months, I have been dealing with the troubled waters of motherhood with my twins while living with their father. We are not married; when I first found out I was expecting, I considered ending the pregnancy. I wanted to make a choice that felt right for me, but he made it clear: if I chose to terminate, I should not expect to come back home.
At that time, we had been dating for a year. I had always voiced my desire not to have a child out of wedlock. He consistently assured me of his commitment to marriage. When I returned home, contemplating ending the pregnancy, he expressed surprise and hurt. He assured me that he was serious about us and would eventually marry me.
Months later, he was imprisoned for a week. During this time, I was pregnant and singlehandedly managed his bail. I found a lawyer, organized meetings, and dealt with those responsible for his incarceration to secure his release. No one from his circle or my own came to help—just me and our unborn babies. I took a week off work to manage everything on my own.
When the twins were born, I asked him about paying the bride price. He explained that he had lost a lot of money during his legal troubles and didn’t like traveling long distances, so he couldn’t visit my village or pay the bride price that year.
My mother came for the traditional postpartum care, but a disagreement led to her leaving. I sided with him initially, though I later reconciled with my mother. He criticized my family, claiming they were negative and wished him ill. My family had never asked him for anything or interfered in our relationship. They respect boundaries and have never been intrusive.
After giving birth, we attempted intimacy once but it was painful for me. We used condoms because I didn’t want another pregnancy before he paid the bride price. He agreed to this but later claimed my decision was influenced by a friend, which was untrue.
Suspecting infidelity, I hired someone to track his phone. I discovered he was not traveling for work or visiting his sick mother as he claimed. Instead, he was with another woman in Lagos and even traveled to Benin with her. His secrecy and lies left me feeling anxious and distressed.
One day, in a moment of anger, I lashed out at him after seeing him laughing at me while pressing his phone. I couldn’t hold in my frustration any longer. He was dismissive and told me to leave him alone, even though he was the one who disregarded my needs and aspirations.
He had previously refused to drive me to an important job interview, which resulted in me losing that opportunity. In arguments, he criticized me harshly, calling me unkempt, lazy, and dull. He claimed I talked to male friends and made plans without consulting him, which was not true. I rarely leave the house and don’t discuss my plans with him because he discourages my ideas and belittles me. Despite his accusations, I am intelligent and have achieved academic success, graduating with a 2:1 in my degree program.
He rarely showed affection—no hugs, presents, or romantic gestures. Even in intimate moments, there was no foreplay or emotional connection. He used to have endearing names for me, but now he only calls me by my name, while keeping a nickname for himself.
Financially, he handles rent, food, and children’s expenses, while I manage my personal care. I was repaying a loan and had limited funds, so I focused on that before buying personal items.
Recently, he started seeing another woman. Since then, he has been leaving home every weekend to be with her, paying the nanny to stay with me. When I asked for money to cover my grandmother’s burial, he claimed he couldn’t afford it but paid for his new girlfriend’s accommodation. He justified this by saying he couldn’t give money to someone who wished him harm, despite the fact that I support him and care for our children.
After a major argument, he came home and told me he was ending our relationship. He had found love elsewhere and wanted to move on. I discovered explicit photos of him with the new woman and felt devastated. He admitted he was attracted to her body type, which matched his ideal.
He promised to provide for our needs and encouraged me to find someone else, as he no longer saw a future with me. I am only eight months postpartum, still breastfeeding, and utterly exhausted. I never imagined raising my children alone. He had promised to support us while I cared for the kids, but now I am left feeling useless and regretful.
I feel overwhelmed with bitterness, pain, and anger. I can’t sleep or eat. I need encouragement and advice on how to start over. Please, no harsh judgments—just support and guidance as I work through this difficult time.
